Contrary to popular belief (OK, just in my little mind), the HoseMaster of Wine is not a Canadian wine blogger. Rather, he is the anti-blogger. Some refer to him as the anti-christ.
In real life, he is Ron Washam, a Sonoma County wine professional (who in Sonoma isn't?) and longtime sommelier. He possesses great knowledge about wine and generally uses it for evil. Well, at least amusement for himself and a merry cadre of wine-loving pranksters.
I began reading the HoseMaster several weeks ago when I stumbled upon a post during a Google search for something unrelated. I ended up wasting the good chunk of an afternoon reading his entire archive, which was a bit like watching a video on FailBlog: equal parts revulsion and fascination.
Thus I concluded he may well be the combined reincarnations of Hunter S. Thompson and Andy Kaufman.
The HoseMaster takes sadistic pleasure in skewering the wine world in general and saves his sharpest wit for wine bloggers, who he refers to as "poodles." His June 21 post reflected his disparagement of this segment of wine writing:
"Oh, to be headed to Walla Walla and the Wine Bloggers Conference! It would be like a dream come true. All of those talented and brilliant bloggers in one room! It sends chills up and down my spine. Something they can only imagine -- having a spine. All of those titans of wine in one room, well, it makes me wish for one thing. If only writers' blog were as contagious as the Ebola virus. ..."
He loves to parody other bloggers, much to the delight of his growing fan base and undoubtedly the despair of those he chooses to sabrage.
And he saves is finest writing for what he calls "The Hosemaster's Honest Guide to Grapes." Examples:
Semillon: "In double blind tastings, Semillon is often confused with the bottled water."
Syrah: "Not so many years ago, many pundits believed that Syrah would be the next Merlot. And now it is. No one buys Merlot either."
Petite Sirah: "It is often blended with Zinfandel in an effort to get rid of it."
Pinot Gris: "In recent years, Oregon has become the home of many Pinot Gris producers, lending credence to the theory that Oregon is where you fly over from California to get to Walla Walla."
Zinfandel: "Zinfandel is a bit like Mariah Carey, most people believe it's white."
Merlot: "Merlot was once thought to be a separate variety, but genetic testing proved it to be Cabernet Sauvignon with a limp."
One of the HoseMaster's endearing qualities is his remarkable ability to slice through an ego with one stroke and disarmingly self-deprecate with the next. In a recent post, he referred to himself as a baboon with a keyboard. I have no doubt he writes to amuse himself, but he is gaining an army of admirers while at the same time leaving a wake of thin-skinned bloggers reduced to the consistency of quivering sushi.
His humor is, fortunately, shared with anyone who can manage an Internet connection, but his considerable talents should really be channeled into book form. Without seemingly trying, he is accomplishing a level of talent and amusement that Wine X magazine could only have hoped to achieve.
Earlier this week, the HoseMaster and I exchanged emails. We agreed to get together when I'm in Sonoma County next January. I helpfully suggested we enjoy a glass of Gruner Veltliner and Central Valley Merlot (two of his least-favorite wines), to which he replied, "Great! I'll put the Merlot in the trunk of my car now so it will be ready to drink."
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