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It has long been rumored that the few rows of vines at the entrance to Chateau Ste. Michelle in Woodinville, Wash., were required so the winery could be called a "chateau."
PROSSER -- Construction is expected to start soon on the next phase of what backers say will be the state's premier educational and promotional center for Washington's wines and food products.
So the German and I are headed to … well, Germany. And on this particular trip, I'm meeting the ex-wife. Why? Because the German became good friends with the prince who took her off his hands.
No, seriously.
This is precisely when truth becomes stranger than fiction because, in many ways, I'm looking forward to it. And in anticipation of the invective-laced banter that may occur, I'm learning a few key phrases that I think may come in handy.
Dies war zugegebenermaßen eine dumme Idee!
Translated: Admittedly, this was a stupid idea!
Das geht dich nichts an!
Translated: That is none of your business!
Was zum Teufel war das denn?
Translated: What the hell was that about?
But most importantly, like a good wife, I will come bearing gifts. And while her beverage du jour may be beer (she lives in the world's beer capital), I'm coming armed with a few local Rieslings to see which one pairs best with the personality I've only heard stories about.
For the PEW (psycho-ex-wife), Nefarious Cellars 2007 Riesling from Stone's Throw Vineyard could be the perfect gift. This wine is a handful, let alone a mouthful. Synonymous with "extremely wicked or villainous" this is the wine your friend's warned you about.
Bunny boiler? No question! It opens with the voice of a 1-900 operator - husky and smooth, yet clean and multilayered in a cloak of honeysuckle and pineapple, with a weave of citrusy grapefruit and lemon peel. It's sexy with ripe, long legs, full of sweetness and length. Classy and complimentary, yet conniving, in the meantime. "I love dogs … bring the Dachshund ... I'm a great cook!"
Hotdog, anyone?
If she's a RRGEW (really-really-German ex-wife) Steppe Cellars 2006 Dry Riesling, Rattlesnake Hills is the ticket. Like a good Riesling made by a good German, this wine is straightforward and uncomplicated.
Staying true to winemaker Anke Freimuth-Wildman's German heritage, this bursts of apple and honey, followed by a delicate lace of pear. It denotes those certain attributes some find offensive but I've come to appreciate: rational, fair, level-headed, industrious.
But this wine seems to take it one step further. In the divorce, it offered to split everything 50/50 including the house. Now the three-story townhome stands split down the middle with a divider of plywood and sheet-rock. Hope you're the lucky one who got the side with the kitchen or "take out" takes on a whole new meaning.
Speaking of taking out, Kung Fu Girl 2008 Riesling, Columbia Valley is a chick you just don't want to mess with. Blushing with floral layers, trailed by peach and apricot, this wine is demure for one moment. Then, the intensity ignites.
It's an expressive soprano that roars like a lioness, awakened to find that the dingo ate her baby. Her wrath is unleashed in a whirl of emotion - liquid fury, so stand back!
Nefarious might cook your dog, but Kung Fu Girl will kick your ass. With hints of minerality and stone fruit, don't turn your back because her aim is good, and getting hit in the head with a stone fruit is never pleasant.
For the NEW (normal ex-wife), Seven Hills 2006 Riesling, Columbia Valley is the perfect wine, and in this case, normal exceeds expectations. On the drier side, this wine is fresh, clean and balanced with a twirl of apple blossom. While it seems slightly one-dimensional, every bit of that dimension is tasty from beginning to end.
It's a flexible wine, crisp enough to serve at a brunch, yet interesting enough to enjoy at cocktail hour. It turns lemons into lemonade and just generally has a positive outlook. But when it perceives that time is up - then time is really up. No lollygagging, no tears - just a straightforward "get your shit, and get out."
There's something for everyone, even in the event that she's a HSEW (hot, slutty ex-wife). Milbrandt Vineyards 2007 Traditions Riesling, Washington is a glass of lemony effervescence; it's light and bubbly, looks great in a tennis skirt and is as sharp as a marble. Tasting of honey and a burp of peach, this is a fun, simple wine - neither offended nor offensive. Its driveway doesn't quite reach the road, but nonetheless, it's of the mind that two's a party and three's … a bigger party. Rock on, you little juicy, peachy fizz! I'm sure there's a man out there (along with all his buddies) who can't wait to get your number!
And finally, if she's just a SACBEW (sweet-as-can-be ex-wife), well then toss in an eiswein, just for good measure. Columbia Crest 1998 Reserve Semillon Ice Wine was harvested on the exact date of the German's 35th birthday (Jan. 13, 1998). Somehow, that must be meaningful to someone. This wine is golden-green and there's nothing slight about its sweetness. Screaming aromas of honey and fig invite you to test the waters. Upon first taste, Aplets and Cotlets hover on your tongue, while a stream of lychee inspires you to take the plunge.
Oh wait, that's what he did the first time…
Because this saga is just that interesting, feel free to visit An Urban Sip Wine Blog - www.anurbansip.blogspot.com - to see how the drama unfolded; and if we found anything interesting to drink on our adventures in Munich and Paris.
Tschuss!
With sass and attitude, Teri Citterman is a Seattle dweller and an eager wine enthusiast. She is the author of the latest edition of Best Places to Kiss in the Northwest. She is a contributing writer to the Puget Sound Business Journal, the Portland Business Journal and Northwest Best Places Travel Books.
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