From day one, we’re told: Don’t be judgmental.
Come on, I say, give me some hope for the future — something I might actually achieve in this lifetime. But that? Said in the identical tone to the puppy going for Prada, “Leave it!”
Yes, we’d all be better people if we could stick to that ephemeral commandment: Thou shalt not judge others … by their political, religious or any other beliefs or actions that we vehemently disagree with. But c’mon, we live in a society of raw judgment — where intelligence and character are better based on the dress she wore to the dinner or how often he’s entered rehab (even more so when you consider the dress he wore when he entered rehab, but that’s another column for another publication).
Drivers, neighbors, politicians, wine — all up for verdict. So with that, grab a glass and let the game begin.
Cave B’s 2004 Merlot, Columbia Valley, likes dogs but often finds their owners deplorable. This wine, full of sharp earthiness and leather, is no stranger to those shifty-eyed fast walkers, who push their forlorn creature onto the neighbor’s lawn to do its business. With its bold structure and jammy intensity, it watches with stoic interest as the culprit gives a sharp look left, then quickens his footsteps while whisking the dog away. Now don’t confuse retribution with anger; this resourceful wine promptly tracks down the owner’s address and serves justice in a scribbled note: “Seems you forgot something on your neighbor’s lawn.”
Robert Karl Cellars’ 2005 Claret, Columbia Valley, shows a fine style. It’s aloof and somewhat detached. But as it comes to life, it drips with a commanding simmer of dark fruit, cherry and tobacco. A little herby, with cocoa powder and vanilla pipe smoke, this blend reacts to the fill-in-the-blank-celebrity-committed-yet-again breaking news of the day. This wine stretches its smooth, even finish and grumbles in a low, barely audible Thurston Howell the Third, lock-jaw inflection “Really, Lovey, they’re artists! Can’t they come up with something better? So passe.”
And speaking of controversial matters on the minds of candidates, the campaign trails are ripening. La Frenz 2005 Merlot, Okanagan Valley, with its full-bodied darkness of fruit and chocolate, wonders what will happen when the music stops. Will the three-and-a-half left standing know to plant themselves down in the two seats remaining? Do we dare speculate that of those seated, neither first nor last name begins with the letter H? The music stops and a scrambling brawl ensues — a punch thrown, an ear bitten. Ironically, it would take a Canadian to give us perspective on the future leader of our country.
People say the darndest things at highly obnoxious volumes. Why, as innocent bystanders browsing the shelves of Barnes and Noble, is it necessary that we bear witness to: “Well if he knew she was cheating, why did he propose? No (loud) ... No! (louder) … I thought that only happened in the movies.” With a curt, throat-clearing moan, King Estate 2004 Domaine Pinot Noir, Oregon, will not stand for this involuntary eavesdropping. With a burst of raspberry and blueberry ribbon and traces of vanilla spice, this maneuvering eccentric jots comments and suggestions to the questions posed by the one-sided conversationalist. With a smooth finish like a red satin sheet, it drops the note in the lap of the culprit with a strong recommendation toward the self-help section of the store.
Speaking of self help, served by tonight’s dinner host, Nicholas Cole Cellars’ second label GraEagle 2003 RedWing, Columbia Valley, is the blended elephant in the room at the latest family gathering. It’s indirect yet impossible to ignore. With intense layers of dark cherry, clove and pepper, this wine is on everyone’s mind, and yet, subtle enough to fade into the shadows. Its wood smoke and tobacco create an intimate warmth when the question finally surfaces: Jim, are you going to continue keeping your “girlfriend” in the trunk of your car, or do you think we’ll finally get to meet him one day?
People ask, in a sometimes puzzled, sometimes-accusatory tone, “You eat bacon? But I thought it’s against your religion?” Well yes. And, technically, yes. If I’m so brazen to say, this is where I question the Big Guy’s motives (Can you go to jail for questioning?).
Cathedral Ridge 2005 Cabernet Sauvignon, Columbia Valley, appropriately a big player in the infamous garden with its chocolaty, cherry and ripe, dark berry-ness. This wise wine refers to bacon as really its own food group, much like meat or dairy. Acknowledging the sound, biblical reasons that keep it off-limits, this wine raises the question: Why not the apple? Talk about sinful! Mmm, apple-smoked bacon, even better — the universal perfect pair for any wine. Or anything!
Traffic is one thing, but terrible drivers are unacceptable, and Domaine Drouhin Oregon’s 2005 Pinot Noir, Willamette Valley, with its broad shoulders and strong backbone, shows little tolerance for bad behavior. Admittedly, it fantasizes about ramming those drivers who steer lacksidasically under the speed limit into the passing lane. With an expressive nose of light purple flowers, red, black fruit, spice and tang, followed by loud expletives from the impatient Drouhin whilst trying unsuccessfully to maneuver around them. Flipping the bird is just not creative enough to convey the raw, wrecked emotion. Prozac? Perhaps.
At the end of the day, it may bring comfort to know that, somewhere, there’s a therapist waiting for each and every one of us to stumble though their door.
* With sass and attitude, Teri Citterman is a Seattle dweller and an eager wine enthusiast. She is a contributing writer to the Puget Sound Business Journal, the Portland Business Journal and Northwest Best Places Travel Books.
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